Matthew 21:28-32, “But what think ye? A certain man had two sons; and he came to the first, and said, Son, go work to day in my vineyard. He answered and said, I will not: but afterward he repented, and went. And he came to the second, and said likewise. And he answered and said, I go, sir: and went not. Whether of them twain did the will of his father? They say unto him, The first. Jesus saith unto them, Verily I say unto you, That the publicans and the harlots go into the kingdom of God before you. For John came unto you in the way of righteousness, and ye believed him not: but the publicans and the harlots believed him: and ye, when ye had seen it, repented not afterward, that ye might believe him.”
I love this story that the Lord told. It was about two son. Their father owned a vineyard which needed some work done. He asked both of his sons to go work in his vineyard. The first son had a good attitude and was agreeable, telling his father that he would gladly go work in the vineyard, but afterwards he went not. The other son had a bad attitude and was disagreeable, refusing to go work in his father's vineyard, but he later changed his mind and went to work in the vineyard. Jesus said that the second son pleased his father, not the first.
I love this story and often am reminded of it, because sometimes I get angry at God. I admit that I have called God names and yelled at Him sometimes. Since 2004 I have woefully suffered from stenosis and radiculitis in my cervical spinal cord, which causes constant chronic pain, burning nerves, numbness, radiating pain in my limbs and other discomforts. It is hard to be spiritual when you are in pain all the time. And worse, the agonizing pain is right next to my head, in my neck, and there is no relief. The Oxycontin and Percocet do help alleviate my pain a bit, but nothing completely removes the pain. It feels like a giant toothache in the back of my neck, where the bone is at, the size of a baseball. This constant debilitating, dull, throbbing pain has ruined my life since 2004 when it began. It is difficult for my to carry on normal conversations with people. I often close my eyes while talking, to cope with the pain.
As you can imagine, this pain and discomfort makes me irritable, less than patient and I get frustrated easily. So it is not hard to understand why I get upset with God sometimes, and I tell Him off! Even though I know in my heart that this is wrong to do, I know 100% that my dear Savior understands. God sees my pain of body and soul. God sees my utter loneliness for the past 17 years, since my former wife abandoned and divorced me in 2006. God sees the thieves (or thief) who have three times stolen from me during the past three months. They have stolen $600 worth of stuff, including my King James Bible (which was full of irreplaceable sermon notes).
God sees my broken heart because Pensacola Christian College (PCC) has literally banned me in writing from attending their Campus Church. I feel nothing but contempt and hatred for the PCC family. I begged them, humbly apologizing three time in 2022, requesting just to attend Campus Church again, but Pastor Jeff Redlin coldly refused. That is so rotten and unchristian of PCC! So God sees my sincerity, that I have made a diligent attempt to reconcile with the PCC family, but they refuse to even communicate with me. That is so ungodly! God hears my cry and sees my pain of soul because of the unloving hypocrites at Campus Church and PCC, their huge egos and sinful pride.
God sees that I am alone in life. My wife abandoned me. The local PCC family hates and rejects me. I suffer in constant pain. Who wouldn't get upset and at times have a bad attitude? I know that my blessed Savior cares and understands. PCC will be held accountable by God one day for their woeful lack of love or compassion, for not reaching out with love to the 1% who have fallen through the cracks at PCC. People just want to be loved.
Despite my bad attitude at times, and my anger over life's miseries in general, God knows that I ALWAYS go right back to working day and night on my website ministry. The dear Lord knows where He can find me day after day, night after night, tirelessly working hard long hours to preach the Gospel, contend for the Christian faith, expose falsehoods and evil, and feed Jesus' sheep. Yes, I admit, sometimes I get upset and tell God that: “I have had enough, I am done, do it yourself!” I sometimes get mad at God because I feel like He never answers my prayers. I feel like no matter what I say, pray or do, everything is all my fault. Why is God ignoring my humble prayers? Why won't the Lord help me with anything. I feel sometimes like God has abandoned me. Yet, I know that everything God does is right!!!
What makes me so angry is that I KNOW God can do anything. God sees all. God knows all. God is all powerful. There is NOTHING too hard for God to do. So why won't He help me? Why am I all alone without a wife, when I have prayed over 1,000 times over the past 10 years for God to help me find a woman to marry; someone to have and to hold in love, for better for worse, in sickness and in health, 'til death do us part? Why won't God help me? Doesn't He care? I am confident that you have also felt the same way at times. I do know that many other people have shared these same frustrations and feelings toward God, because they contact me to ask me these very same questions. It is called properly, “Religious Scrupulosity.”
When people ask me why God doesn't care, I always guide them to 2nd Corinthians 5:7, “(For we walk by faith, not by sight:)” If we pray and then look for results, we are walking BY SIGHT. We ought not do that. We should pray and then just trust the Lord, walking BY FAITH. Perhaps God is testing my faith, to see if I really believe the truths that I am teaching others. I admit that I sometimes feel like quitting my ministry. I have often felt like just walking away from everything. I have often wanted to leave society, completely disappear off social media and the internet, never to be heard from again. I'd like to move to a mountainous area and buy a small cabin home out in the middle of nowhere, in a remote rural town.
So why don't I do it? In two words, “by faith.” I cannot help people for Christ if I leave the internet. The only reason that I have a Facebook, Twitter or any social media account is to get lost sinners saved, contend for the Christian faith, and feed Jesus' sheep. Daniel 11:33, “And they that understand among the people shall instruct many: yet they shall fall by the sword, and by flame, by captivity, and by spoil, many days.” I know that God is pleased with me, despite my bad attitude and wanting to quit at times, simply because I keep serving God. By God's grace, I am getting the job done! Thousands of lost sinners have been saved through my humble ministry labors over the past 21 years, since 2002 when I began. I give God ALL the credit and praise. Jesus is precious!!!
So despite my constant agonizing neck pain, I keep laboring for my dear Savior. Despite my loneliness and lack of a wife for companionship and comfort, I keep going for God. The blessed indwelling Holy Spirit sustains me. As I type, I feel physical burning in my nerves throughout my upper body. It all radiates from damaged spinal cord nerve roots in my neck (it is medically called radiculitis). God is so good and I have no complaints.
Robbers have stolen 3 times from me in the past 3 months. I have filed 3 police reports. The thieves are always one step ahead of me. As an imperfect human, I sometimes forget to lock my cars doors. The thieves were just waiting for that moment, and they struck, stealing my King James Bible and $400 worth of my stuff. They stole all my sermon notes, which I cannot replace. My heart is broken. I hate a thief! Stealing is not a victimless crime, far from it. Thieves force us to live in fear all the time. Lord willing, I hope to save enough money in the next few years to move to a nicer area in the suburbs of a city. If you live in any populated area in the United States, there are dirty thieves everywhere. Albeit, my heart is comforted by Jesus' precious promise in Matthew 6:19-20, that the rewards we lay up in Heaven are untouchable by thieves, rust or corruption.
Every time that I have become angry at God and told Him off, I wept later that same day, asking for His forgiveness. And every single time without fail, the dear Savior silently says to my soul that He completely understands, and that He knows I have a lot on my plate and shoulders, and everything is okay. I know that God loves me. He sees and even feels my pain of body and soul. God sees the unloving saints at PCC who refuse to allow me to attend Campus Church.
God sees their hypocrisy at Pensacola Christian College (PCC). Jesus knows that Pastor Jeff Redlin gets paid well over $100,000 a year (a 6-digit salary), but I have never been paid a single cent over the past 21 years. God knows that I have approximately 75,000 hours of time invested in my website ministry, far more labor than 99% of pastors anywhere. I work far more hours than Pastor Redlin, and I do it by faith for Jesus all for free! Pastor Redlin and company already have their rewards. My reward is waiting for me up in Heaven. Since I have laboured for 75,000 hours for Christ, without receiving a single penny in compensation; but Jeff Redlin has been paid literally MILLIONS OF DOLLARS during his pastoral career, God will reward me that much more; otherwise God would be unfair and unethical.
So dear friend, if you find yourself getting frustrated and upset at God sometimes, just keep serving Him. Just keep preaching the Gospel to lost sinners, and God will be pleased. There are terrible broken churches all across the United States, where the pastor has a seemingly good attitude, but there is no soulwinning. Churches everywhere meet for weekly Bible studies and prayer meetings, but never knock on a single neighborhood door to share the Gospel of free grace. So their church languishes in mediocre attendance, and there is no contending for the Christian faith, and the baptistery is seldom used if ever to baptize new converts (because there are none). Sadly, America's fastest growing churches are the worldly ones.
I hope this Bible truth is as encouraging to you dear friend, as it has been for me for many years. We all succumb to our emotions at times. Everyone has a breaking point! But God is not so much interested in your temporary mood swings and anger toward Him, as He is about your long-term trend. John 15:7, “If ye abide in me, and my words abide in you, ye shall ask what ye will, and it shall be done unto you. Herein is my Father glorified, that ye bear much fruit; so shall ye be my disciples.” God's ultimate desire and goal for every believer is that we become soulwinners!!!
Luke 8:15, “But that on the good ground are they, which in an honest and good heart, having heard the word, keep it, and bring forth fruit with patience.” There is a direct correlation between saints who truly abide in God's Word and winning souls. Any man who spends thousands of hours in the Bible, but never shares the Gospel with lost sinners, is a fraud. That man knows nothing about the great nature and heart of God our Savior. Luke 19:10, “For the Son of man is come to seek and to save that which was lost.”
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